It's been a while.....

I realised it's been a while since I wrote anything here so thought i'd do a blog.

Let's see where do I start. Well my brother has lost the ford focus we cannot afford to pay for MOT and Insurence to put it on a low loader to bring back to the house. We've had that car since dad died so i'm not overjoyed that could've been given to me as I wouldn't have done what my brother did. We're still waiting on Jays court date about driving without insurence, license or Road tax he predicts a years ban his fault, he chose to do that.

Surrounding that John and Mom are doing silly shit on of on off, I sat talking to mom for a while about it all. I can't find the strength to molly coddle her anymore I tried that being sympathetic and cuddling when she feels low. It makes her worse so I've now decided to just remain impartial to how she gets and say don't do stupid stuff. I've lived with tears, heartbreak, moods, tempers and highs and lows for 8 years. I still love and care deeply for mom i'm just so tired of going round in never ending circles and cycles. I still feel like a Mom and not a daughter anymore seems i give more advice out, i'm always gettin asked for help what to do about John and Jay. I can't tell her what to do she has to make her own decisions I can advise as best I can. Makes me feel all uhmn oldy worldy It's nuts!!

I was hoping the move would've helped settle mom, she always found things to blame her depression on oh its the house, oh it's the flat, oh it's the noise. We are in a peaceful place, no noise, no memories. And yet she still manages to blame things on her getting low. We financially settled, home wise we are settled but I doubt for a very long time i'll be emotionally settled untill I get away from it all. To point I'm not around it all the time where I have my own breathing space and can go back into it when i'm needed. At moment that doesn't happen, it's there all the time. Can be tiring but least I'm ok with it.

Sure I can talk about it easily enough to an extent but there's things I struggle to talk about i'm an open book to a point then you have to prise things out of me. It's takes a LOT to actually show and talk about how I really feel about things. There is very very few things I talk about but somethings I'd rather not go into because they hurt and when I do talk about them it usually opens a floodgate of tears very few people have come across that yet. Sort of like the very private me where I get to go into things that have hurt and continue to hurt. My Dad is one of those topics and my mom is too. There's been moments where I've almost wished I wasn't here and away from it, there been moments where I've wished Dad were alive because the possibility of what has happened in the last 8 years may have never even begun. Then there is moments where I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today if it hadn't of happened.

The few things there's been good times and bad times one thing always remained the same the friends I have they've seen me through most of it, and they don't know how much it has and still does mean to me. And my guy he may only have seen small part sof things in recent months but they have all had such patience and understanding in my moments of fustration anger and moods, when i've been at a complete loss and turned to someone for counsel and an ear it' is still so much appreciated at the trust and closeness I have with a few select people. And for that i'm always thankful and always will try my best to return the same to be there. whenever needed.

I guess I'd better stop there i'm getting choked up writing that one..

That's all folks.