Today was my Dads anniversary

It's been 8 long years. And much of today was spent trying to keep Mom's spirits up. I barely had time to think on my Dad. I guess time I am now.

I wanted to talk to him today and ask how he felt about what's happened in the 8 years since he died. Wondered how he would feel about way we've been as a family. Wondered if he Missed us te way we miss him every single day. I know it's 8 years on and most would say you should be over it by now.

I doubt not in this lifetime will I ever get over him dying, or ever stop missing him. He was my Dad and the only one I'll ever have. Yeh he been gone 8 years, and I still to this day no matter where I live. I still expect him to walk in through thr front door in his work suit and have us kids run to greet him in way we did every night). It's stupid I know, but its thing like that
the smell and hugs or lil looksof mischief dad had when he was winding us kids up. It's things like that you miss everyday.

It's harder this month because i get mixed memories some happy but cloeser it gets to his anniversary it gets hard to block the sad memories out. Like tonight while walking I rememberd him ill. I wished I hadnt but it happens, and mom looking so blank tonight it gets to me. I may laugh smile joke about life. But really I can be dwon right sad inside and no one woul d know unless said. Momsblank looks no one there is just shell on autopilot no emotion nothing. Could almost be a ghost.. you talk and there not even flicker of a spark when seh looks at you. And thats my Mom the one i'd move heven n earth for. And that blank haunted look so close to how my dad looked.

She isnt the Mom I remember sure she has Bipolar and it will affect it. But I still want the mom who had spark and zest for life. Now it's gone no one sees it.. It's time like this when facing getting her through a situation I want my Dad there talking her through it and helping us. Maybe thenshe would be mom I remember.

Would i go back and change things change how i've coped with events. I'm not sure part says yes part says no or wouldnt be who I am today if did things differently.

So Heres to you Dad (raises a Cola) Even though not here, Your never forgotten, Love you Dad xxx


Father And Daughter

Father and daughter spend some quiet time together in the living roomShining through the curtain is the sunAnd outside is the glorious afternoonFather reads to his daughter the poetry she lovesFather and daughter enjoy each other's companyFather takes his daughter by the handAs they take a walk outsideFather cares for his daughterAnd always wishes the very best to happen for her

"Justin Gildow "

One more day

One more day till dad anniversary.
I may have had a few stoned moments but that hasn't stopped me thinking about my Dad and the last a years, i'm trying to remain upbeat and jovial which kinda hard to do at moment. I had a cry about him last night which I guess was needed.

John sure picks his timing to hurt my mom again, he has said he isn't coming back to england and wants mom to stop calling him or speaking or texting him. Same old shit different day. I said he needs to grow some bollocks and get on with it not mess you around with changing plans and making promises only to break them.
She has been sulking for days which isn't helped by the fact Dad anniversary is lingering around.
And again i'm, the mom and not the daughter and having to talk her through this as best I can. And also having to keep an eye incase she tries something silly which happens around his anniversary. I tell you it's tiring knowing exactly what will happen and when it's almost like each year is a looping sequence of the same stuff.

So much for remaining jovial lol. I decided to be a stoner for a while to make things pass faster or make me laugh more. Ah the stoners life is a good one. I'm an occassional smoker smoked on average 2 joints a night makes me sleep so much better too. Only downside is im groggy the next morning but the past 2 nights have been the best sleeps i've had in many years. I know i'm dreaming more so they are deep deep sleeps.

Thats it for the night

I guess i'd better write a blog

Well it's the 26th of april 4 more days till dad anniversary i'm still unsure of what to make of it yet. It's 8 whole years i've been in frame of mind like it isnt happening like its not coming up. Old habit block my feelings off I don't care if it's bad for the soul. I'd rather not let it get to me which it prolly will at somepoint on the day.

What else, it's dead everywhere there only small signs of life it's wierd. If wernt for a few people i'd be thinking am I even alive haha. It's like walking around searching for life. Sucks!!!!!!!

What else I really don't know lord knows. Someone likes fucking with me (points to air leave it out ya bastard). I'm too damn old for drama so gimmi a break.
I really need some kind of road trip or a holiday i have serious itchy feet to travel and its getting worse everyday. I'd love to just pack some chit and see where the road leads even if its to nowhere just to know im on the move and not locally either.

God I feel like shit

After having a long night I couldnt sleep sat waiting for mom to come down for some company which she never did. She was on phone to John all morning. Eventually crawled into bed at 11am. I know its bad to do that and i'm paying for it.

My mom woke me up around 6pm asking me if a ring was mine. I almost died of shock she found it amongst Laurens bits in the room, I've been looking for it for over 6 months odd. It was one she had brought me in Egypt I don't know what to saay or do. Im gutted as Loz couldve stolen it or Jay couldve given it to her which ment he stole it off me. I want to see what they do and if they start asking about a ring i'm find out one way or another.

I'm feeling down today I think its knowing i'm getting closer to the day Dad died or the fact i'm feelig ill i'm not sure which one. Tired and running a slight temp with a cough and sore throat no big deal I not dying, just run down.

Mom goes away on the 8th of May for about 17 days roughly could be longer. Everyone now has had a holiday aside of me oh wells. I keep hoping by some unknown miricle a ticket will be produced and given to me for my holiday. I can keep dreaming one thing I do have to look forward to in hope well heres hoping.

I don't really know what to say do at moment. I guess might just need to think or something.

wow 9th April

I swear this year is passing by so fast, it's april already and so much is happening.
Mom is planning her trip to Turkey to meet John which will be in a few weeks time we still havn't got a specific date or timeframe for how long she goes away. Graham and Torie might be coming to visit this month at some point for jays birthday apparently so we shall see.

We are still waiting for Jays court case, yuks.. What else we are pondering if Kady is pregnant and wondering if there will be puppies I swear she is a bit bigger than normal. Crosses fingers that would be nice lol I love the smell of baby puppies its wonderful (yes i know im weird and all).

Uhmn been with Randy 3 great months wohoo we still going strong yayyy..
=0D so worth it Love him to peices grinz big..

I cant think of what else to put blah my creative mode died out quick

It's been a while.....

I realised it's been a while since I wrote anything here so thought i'd do a blog.

Let's see where do I start. Well my brother has lost the ford focus we cannot afford to pay for MOT and Insurence to put it on a low loader to bring back to the house. We've had that car since dad died so i'm not overjoyed that could've been given to me as I wouldn't have done what my brother did. We're still waiting on Jays court date about driving without insurence, license or Road tax he predicts a years ban his fault, he chose to do that.

Surrounding that John and Mom are doing silly shit on of on off, I sat talking to mom for a while about it all. I can't find the strength to molly coddle her anymore I tried that being sympathetic and cuddling when she feels low. It makes her worse so I've now decided to just remain impartial to how she gets and say don't do stupid stuff. I've lived with tears, heartbreak, moods, tempers and highs and lows for 8 years. I still love and care deeply for mom i'm just so tired of going round in never ending circles and cycles. I still feel like a Mom and not a daughter anymore seems i give more advice out, i'm always gettin asked for help what to do about John and Jay. I can't tell her what to do she has to make her own decisions I can advise as best I can. Makes me feel all uhmn oldy worldy It's nuts!!

I was hoping the move would've helped settle mom, she always found things to blame her depression on oh its the house, oh it's the flat, oh it's the noise. We are in a peaceful place, no noise, no memories. And yet she still manages to blame things on her getting low. We financially settled, home wise we are settled but I doubt for a very long time i'll be emotionally settled untill I get away from it all. To point I'm not around it all the time where I have my own breathing space and can go back into it when i'm needed. At moment that doesn't happen, it's there all the time. Can be tiring but least I'm ok with it.

Sure I can talk about it easily enough to an extent but there's things I struggle to talk about i'm an open book to a point then you have to prise things out of me. It's takes a LOT to actually show and talk about how I really feel about things. There is very very few things I talk about but somethings I'd rather not go into because they hurt and when I do talk about them it usually opens a floodgate of tears very few people have come across that yet. Sort of like the very private me where I get to go into things that have hurt and continue to hurt. My Dad is one of those topics and my mom is too. There's been moments where I've almost wished I wasn't here and away from it, there been moments where I've wished Dad were alive because the possibility of what has happened in the last 8 years may have never even begun. Then there is moments where I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today if it hadn't of happened.

The few things there's been good times and bad times one thing always remained the same the friends I have they've seen me through most of it, and they don't know how much it has and still does mean to me. And my guy he may only have seen small part sof things in recent months but they have all had such patience and understanding in my moments of fustration anger and moods, when i've been at a complete loss and turned to someone for counsel and an ear it' is still so much appreciated at the trust and closeness I have with a few select people. And for that i'm always thankful and always will try my best to return the same to be there. whenever needed.

I guess I'd better stop there i'm getting choked up writing that one..

That's all folks.