Well Here I am again!

Since the evening is quiet and Randy is in Process of moving house I thought I would write a blog as it's been a long time.

I've had a multiple experiences since my last blog.
Let's see My mom has decided to get back with her ex or there is a very high possibily he wants her to live with him perminantly and leave us kids here. Mom said no way no how sorry my kids are all I have left. Yes this is very logical reasoning, she has no one up here aside of us kids, one of the few regrets of moving here we lost touch of the few that did talk to us.

My middle brother Graham has started an Electricians course at Colchester Institute, I'm so pleased and proud of him for that. It will be the making of him I think. And I am sure he will love every minute of it. I do not know if I explained just how proud I was I tried to explain it to my Mom, I let Randy know but I never explained my reasoning here. As many know I helped my Mom raise my brothers after my Dad passed away in 2000. I became like a second Mom which some do see to this date. I do not in any shape or form see me as the Mom, but having to help raise two younger brothers gave me the viewpoint of a parents world, yes I may be a sibling and not have children. But having to help raise them teach them right from wrong, discipline them, this is complicated to explain. I feel proudness, sadness and happiness more like I would if they were my kids, yes they are my brothers but in the same breath it felt like they were two kids i'd raised and watched them grow up. I guess my maturnal instincts have shown at times more than I dared realise.

I always said Naaaaaaaa i'm not a motherly type, I don't want kid's or settle down. Being honest I sorta did but didn't in same way. It's showing more now as I'm older, it was that day Graham rang to say he was in College I really realised I couldn't hide the truth in my head anymore. I've had such deep long thought's about why I pretend that i'm not like that. I guess it's all down to the experience of talking to men as friends and online boyfriends over the years. The general gist is that I don't want men to run when they hear baby and marriage talk, I've always tried avoid that talk even with friends when they sit there going oh we gonna get married and have kids in X amount of years. We gonna move in together and settle down. I've even heard both of my brother's talking with their girlfriends in same way with just as much enthusiasm about it all.

Both of the boys are leval headed about it and I was amazed, they both when talked to their girlfriends such profound understanding of the pros cons, the experiences in general, they also compared any friends they had to their relatiosnship saying how much of strain it was and reasons to save up, wait for marriage and stuff. But they are both promised to eachother's girlfriends with a deep leval of connection. Both Gee and Jay are uncanny in following my father's footsteps with their relationships. Gee and Torie are soulmates you can see it but they Love eachother deeply. I think it would tear them apart if they lost eachother. Jay and Loz there is love there, they argue as much as they cuddle up, but I think hey gonna be together for life they been together coming up for two yrs. Gee and Torie it's been almost 6 years I think. Graham was 15 when he met torie and jay was 17 when he met Loz.

My mom explained she was 23 when she met dad, and told me other week at 25 she was two years of having me. To be honest I feel like the black sheep of the family. Mom was saying she would marry John if he asked her again, and adopt his kids. Everyone around me planning the future every day. If anyone say's Just get randy to keep you in the states, I just laugh, and sit going I wish in my head. I'd give everything to be by his side but that's the bad thing about long distance relationships, I've had a few of them. I still avoid planning things because I know my track record isn't great. I am one of those people that is a dreamer (yes I'm a dreamer and I know I am) I cannot change that fact of my nature. In same breath I'm a cold hard realist person. It's a dual side I hate. I can dream and wish but know the reality of what I wish for is very slim in my world. Reality hurt's it always does and always will. My reality is extreamily lonely and not alot of companionship, my family doesn't count they will always be there but it's the dream of wanting friends around me that I can hop in a car and go see. Take off for few days and drive to see people. The reality is I can't do this, I have to fly 8-12 hours depending before I can meet any of my friends. Same with my boyfriend he is over in the states and that hurt's that I cannot hop into a car and drive to see him. If I lived in the state's I'd be driving to see him every few days or something. Yes i have friends who I have known a long time who are always there for me. I'd love to meet them. The dreamer side of me there, I'd love it being able to be around people again who are true friends, not just aquantences met through my brother.

Yeh as I said I joke when people say get Randy to keep you here, I am never banking on it. Not in a million years because the reality of it there is a tiny small chance he would do that.
He want to move here, I want to Move there. But he has kid's I wouldn't want him leaving his kids behind just to move here without them. That's a hard thing on any parent no matter how old the kids are. He say's where he goes his kid's go. Smiles I'm not saying Much on this cause I have my opinion's which if it ever get's to that point will be discussed in great detail.

I think I'd better stop here, will write more tomorrow