It's May already eh?

I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said these days. I notice my posts show alot of fustration over my real life and troubles that keep cropping up over and over. Almost like a repetitive cycle of never ending sadness and fustration . I think part of me resents constantly putting my life on hold to deal with problems surrounding moms illness.
I love her but I really want to spread my wings and do my own thing. Not to have to constantly be at the mercy of fate that enjoys watching the good things I achieve crumble through my hands as I fight to help my family get back on a leval field.

People tell me I am young or still young, if only they knew mentally I don't feel young. The events i've been through, the stuff i've done, the things I've seen. It doesn't make me feel young mentally. I feel so much older than I really am. I hide alot of sadness and fustration behind such a Jovial personallity. I joke I laugh I may seem like I don't have a care in the entire world.
But it's not me i'm constantly pondering on what is the next thing I have to face and be strong for, what is the next thing I have to fight against with all my might?

You know what scares me the most and I know it will eventually happen, it's loosing my mom..
She aside of brothers is all I have left in this world, and my gut insinct isnt a good one anymore with what Johns done she fading fast. She looks so ill and theres not much I can do. I had a dream a while back that she would pass away. And i'mm dreading the day it could be years it could be months. But how do I tell her how do I go to myy own Mom Im scared of loosing you, how do I ask her to go for a check up to put my mind at ease, how do you tell your mom who knows you have dreams predicting future on events like that when they always happen.

I'm torn so torn on what to do. What do I do, no use in praying done that so many times and hasn't helped any.

Just want someone to hold me close and let me cry it out. I can't do that I juts keep it inside and fight to fidn the strength to carry on being strong. My mom doesnt need a daughter to suddenly break down crying if I tell her. I need to be strong , be her shoulder., I want someone by my side that can keep me going. Tell me i'm doing the right thing. And face it with me. Sure I have Randy but he isn't hear he a million miles away. And I don't talk about stuff anymore. Whats the use in trying to explain my fears and stupid dreams.