wow 9th April

I swear this year is passing by so fast, it's april already and so much is happening.
Mom is planning her trip to Turkey to meet John which will be in a few weeks time we still havn't got a specific date or timeframe for how long she goes away. Graham and Torie might be coming to visit this month at some point for jays birthday apparently so we shall see.

We are still waiting for Jays court case, yuks.. What else we are pondering if Kady is pregnant and wondering if there will be puppies I swear she is a bit bigger than normal. Crosses fingers that would be nice lol I love the smell of baby puppies its wonderful (yes i know im weird and all).

Uhmn been with Randy 3 great months wohoo we still going strong yayyy..
=0D so worth it Love him to peices grinz big..

I cant think of what else to put blah my creative mode died out quick

It's been a while.....

I realised it's been a while since I wrote anything here so thought i'd do a blog.

Let's see where do I start. Well my brother has lost the ford focus we cannot afford to pay for MOT and Insurence to put it on a low loader to bring back to the house. We've had that car since dad died so i'm not overjoyed that could've been given to me as I wouldn't have done what my brother did. We're still waiting on Jays court date about driving without insurence, license or Road tax he predicts a years ban his fault, he chose to do that.

Surrounding that John and Mom are doing silly shit on of on off, I sat talking to mom for a while about it all. I can't find the strength to molly coddle her anymore I tried that being sympathetic and cuddling when she feels low. It makes her worse so I've now decided to just remain impartial to how she gets and say don't do stupid stuff. I've lived with tears, heartbreak, moods, tempers and highs and lows for 8 years. I still love and care deeply for mom i'm just so tired of going round in never ending circles and cycles. I still feel like a Mom and not a daughter anymore seems i give more advice out, i'm always gettin asked for help what to do about John and Jay. I can't tell her what to do she has to make her own decisions I can advise as best I can. Makes me feel all uhmn oldy worldy It's nuts!!

I was hoping the move would've helped settle mom, she always found things to blame her depression on oh its the house, oh it's the flat, oh it's the noise. We are in a peaceful place, no noise, no memories. And yet she still manages to blame things on her getting low. We financially settled, home wise we are settled but I doubt for a very long time i'll be emotionally settled untill I get away from it all. To point I'm not around it all the time where I have my own breathing space and can go back into it when i'm needed. At moment that doesn't happen, it's there all the time. Can be tiring but least I'm ok with it.

Sure I can talk about it easily enough to an extent but there's things I struggle to talk about i'm an open book to a point then you have to prise things out of me. It's takes a LOT to actually show and talk about how I really feel about things. There is very very few things I talk about but somethings I'd rather not go into because they hurt and when I do talk about them it usually opens a floodgate of tears very few people have come across that yet. Sort of like the very private me where I get to go into things that have hurt and continue to hurt. My Dad is one of those topics and my mom is too. There's been moments where I've almost wished I wasn't here and away from it, there been moments where I've wished Dad were alive because the possibility of what has happened in the last 8 years may have never even begun. Then there is moments where I know I wouldn't be the same person I am today if it hadn't of happened.

The few things there's been good times and bad times one thing always remained the same the friends I have they've seen me through most of it, and they don't know how much it has and still does mean to me. And my guy he may only have seen small part sof things in recent months but they have all had such patience and understanding in my moments of fustration anger and moods, when i've been at a complete loss and turned to someone for counsel and an ear it' is still so much appreciated at the trust and closeness I have with a few select people. And for that i'm always thankful and always will try my best to return the same to be there. whenever needed.

I guess I'd better stop there i'm getting choked up writing that one..

That's all folks.

God I hate Mondays

Let's see the day started off with me going to bed early which is around 3-4am and had a cry before I went to sleep. This is super rare for me as don't usually feel that sad at all.
For some unknown reason I was on a real low, had lots of nostalgic moments and was thinking of my dad. This came from dreams I had the day before Dad when he was ill. Thought I would've had nice ones instead no they were about how he was, how he snapped things i'd thought i'd forgotten as try not to remember that stuff as it's upsetting. And now because of it i'm stuck with a look of him in my head I can't shift and it horrible. Somethings I guess you never forget yet usually can remember him healthy and well. Sure I do occassionally remember how he was when he was ill. But this memory is one of the last 2-3 of him I have and I hate it. It's making me sad to point all I want to do is cry.. I've been fine for the past 8 years and now, why now it's hitting me again old memories I guess I usually can shift the mood pretty quick and forget about it. But not today!

Following that I went into town to sign on on the way home I got on a bus and got off at the wrong place god knows where I was I headed for the pub and phoned for a taxi, i was frozen couldnt feel anything face, hands and feet. By time I got to a road near wher eI live i got out of taxi and walked rest of way to try and shift my mood and to think. What a bad idea that was. I guess i'm in one of those moods I just want to go to bed and sleep and be alone sounds awful i'm trying to be chirpy just really difficult. Even randy knows somethings not right with me im usually blustery bouncy cheerful chipper lou.

Oh wells maybe it be better tomorrow...

throw me a frigging bone here

What a day....

My family pushing my patience levals to the max and i'm running out of patience for their attitude and meddling dipshit ideas. It was an ongoing battle to control my temper I know it was close to exploding today. They thought they had the right to take away the power point to my pc, without consulting or speaking to me first about any thoughts they had. My mom let my brother make that decision and just let him do it. What the fuck does he know he's just a kid who thinks he rules the roost. He gets away with murder and mom just gives him free reign to do whatever he wants, yet me blah I can't even speak my own damn mind or plan something without her sticking her fucking oar in. Don't they get it the more they try control me the more likely I am to turn away and leave home. I'm 24 years old not a kid.. I never caused mom trouble, never did crazy stuff like my brothers, yet if do one or two things like spend time on pc or plan a trip it's oh do this do that. Yet she let my brothers do everything they ever wanted. Hellooo talk about being a damn hypocryte in every which way. ~oh I treat you kids all the same~ BULLSHIT one rule for jay and gee, totally different set for me. It's like she thinks i'm the one who's gone off the rails like i'm the one who needs rules I DON'T DO STUPID SHIT. I've always been well behaved sure i've had moments where i've argued but that nothing. I'm not the one who breaks the damn law every day without regard of the consequences.

i'm stop there

Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well it's 3 days after moving

I feel like i've gone ten rounds with a boxer I ache in places I never knew I could ache. Talk about increasing your fitness levals without the need for gym memebership. Chuckles, I spent the night talking to Randy wohoo, Dorethy, Ron and Lisa. Had a right hoot (by the way YAWNING) is bad grrr spent at least 40 odd minutes yawning to that word. I did it again as I typed it. Oh how i'd love to erase that word from the dictionary. It's like a curse if I read it off I go.

Everythings pretty quiet here, moved a few boxes but I ache a tad too much to do anything.
My dogs love it here i'm settled as is Mom and Jay. It's just so peaceful, no traffic, no noise it's weird.
We have even started talking about what we're going to do to the garden and the House. I'm probably just going to paint my room the same colour it is as its tiny and being cream it'l make it look big. Mom and jay plan to do their room, I suggested a Coffee/mocha colour for the lounge with a darker colour for one wall to bring out the size of the wall and accentuate the fireplace.

Hopefully this means no more moving, Yay.

That''s all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well it's a New Year and time for a new start

LOL I Decided since it's 2008 and my old blog would not work properly to start a new blog.

Lets see it's March Yay this years gone by so fast hehehe. Hopefully it will get better..
What's happened I just moved this weekend, got a great New guy called Randy who makes me super happy (Love you Honey). I'm not going to dwell on what happened in the past it was a lesson learned and I moved on and changed again. I'm happy now and that's all that matters.

What else Mom and John broke up but got back together again urgh would love to shoot his butt I truly dislike the man for the chit he put mom through. Gee and Torie lord knows I never speak to them they just dun give a flying fuck I guess.
Jay and Loz still going strong even if they do argue a fair bit.

I guess i'll add more later tonight wanted to just set this up and get it going.

That's all folks!!!!!!