I was sat in Lounge when an interesting topic came up skinny jeans on men. I said any man who wears them things need to be shot point blank. My brother was like lets see what its like so he pulled his jeans tight round his leg and went what is a man thinking wearing em that tight. I sat killing self in giggles, if anyone came home wearing skin tight jeans id rip the living shits out of them. It to me looks too femine. Made jay look like he had chicken legs ( love him to death but i was like chiccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeen legs)
Next topic men and handbags veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worrying, lol now if ya want to be a girl go for it i really dun care. Just make sure ya get the right kinda bag for the outfit. I say if ya want a bag just buy a over shoulder bag like the small version of laptop bag. Other wise just have a wallet in yer pocket. Us girls just love finding these things (any excuse to feel a butt and have a sneaky grope. Now your gonna laugh but there somethin sexy about trying to figure out which place a male hides his wallet in. Though I say the back pocket definately the best place. Just watch any man and the sight of them slipping hand round back for wallet (kinda sexy if they have a good butt droolz.)
Jewellry Please dear god let it be understated. None of that flashy Bling shit. a simple ring, a leather band or watch yer ok. Nowww a ring on every finger 3 chains round neck and 5 bands on wrist dudeeeeee way too much blingy bling. Like my guys understated thanks. The more in yer face the more im gonna sit and going what you trying to prove. Is yer penis really that small to be bigging yerself up with jewellry?
What else, why is it the assumption that every girl wants a guy to pay for the most expensive meal on earth? Likeeeeeeeeee i Give a shit how much money someone has when say crabs legs and lobster. Sure the thought is wonderful. But like I told my guy a drink of cola, a bucket of popcorn and pictures and i be in heaven. If ya wanna flash the cash so be it but doesnt it make ya think it gonna set precident for the rest of the relationship. So do the simple things mhn them things are worth remembering those i'm sure be the things that i'll remember when it happens to me. (hope that happens somedy lol)
There thats my pondering for the day hehehe
Sunday 28 September 2008
Friday 19 September 2008
Well Here I am again!
Since the evening is quiet and Randy is in Process of moving house I thought I would write a blog as it's been a long time.
I've had a multiple experiences since my last blog.
Let's see My mom has decided to get back with her ex or there is a very high possibily he wants her to live with him perminantly and leave us kids here. Mom said no way no how sorry my kids are all I have left. Yes this is very logical reasoning, she has no one up here aside of us kids, one of the few regrets of moving here we lost touch of the few that did talk to us.
My middle brother Graham has started an Electricians course at Colchester Institute, I'm so pleased and proud of him for that. It will be the making of him I think. And I am sure he will love every minute of it. I do not know if I explained just how proud I was I tried to explain it to my Mom, I let Randy know but I never explained my reasoning here. As many know I helped my Mom raise my brothers after my Dad passed away in 2000. I became like a second Mom which some do see to this date. I do not in any shape or form see me as the Mom, but having to help raise two younger brothers gave me the viewpoint of a parents world, yes I may be a sibling and not have children. But having to help raise them teach them right from wrong, discipline them, this is complicated to explain. I feel proudness, sadness and happiness more like I would if they were my kids, yes they are my brothers but in the same breath it felt like they were two kids i'd raised and watched them grow up. I guess my maturnal instincts have shown at times more than I dared realise.
I always said Naaaaaaaa i'm not a motherly type, I don't want kid's or settle down. Being honest I sorta did but didn't in same way. It's showing more now as I'm older, it was that day Graham rang to say he was in College I really realised I couldn't hide the truth in my head anymore. I've had such deep long thought's about why I pretend that i'm not like that. I guess it's all down to the experience of talking to men as friends and online boyfriends over the years. The general gist is that I don't want men to run when they hear baby and marriage talk, I've always tried avoid that talk even with friends when they sit there going oh we gonna get married and have kids in X amount of years. We gonna move in together and settle down. I've even heard both of my brother's talking with their girlfriends in same way with just as much enthusiasm about it all.
Both of the boys are leval headed about it and I was amazed, they both when talked to their girlfriends such profound understanding of the pros cons, the experiences in general, they also compared any friends they had to their relatiosnship saying how much of strain it was and reasons to save up, wait for marriage and stuff. But they are both promised to eachother's girlfriends with a deep leval of connection. Both Gee and Jay are uncanny in following my father's footsteps with their relationships. Gee and Torie are soulmates you can see it but they Love eachother deeply. I think it would tear them apart if they lost eachother. Jay and Loz there is love there, they argue as much as they cuddle up, but I think hey gonna be together for life they been together coming up for two yrs. Gee and Torie it's been almost 6 years I think. Graham was 15 when he met torie and jay was 17 when he met Loz.
My mom explained she was 23 when she met dad, and told me other week at 25 she was two years of having me. To be honest I feel like the black sheep of the family. Mom was saying she would marry John if he asked her again, and adopt his kids. Everyone around me planning the future every day. If anyone say's Just get randy to keep you in the states, I just laugh, and sit going I wish in my head. I'd give everything to be by his side but that's the bad thing about long distance relationships, I've had a few of them. I still avoid planning things because I know my track record isn't great. I am one of those people that is a dreamer (yes I'm a dreamer and I know I am) I cannot change that fact of my nature. In same breath I'm a cold hard realist person. It's a dual side I hate. I can dream and wish but know the reality of what I wish for is very slim in my world. Reality hurt's it always does and always will. My reality is extreamily lonely and not alot of companionship, my family doesn't count they will always be there but it's the dream of wanting friends around me that I can hop in a car and go see. Take off for few days and drive to see people. The reality is I can't do this, I have to fly 8-12 hours depending before I can meet any of my friends. Same with my boyfriend he is over in the states and that hurt's that I cannot hop into a car and drive to see him. If I lived in the state's I'd be driving to see him every few days or something. Yes i have friends who I have known a long time who are always there for me. I'd love to meet them. The dreamer side of me there, I'd love it being able to be around people again who are true friends, not just aquantences met through my brother.
Yeh as I said I joke when people say get Randy to keep you here, I am never banking on it. Not in a million years because the reality of it there is a tiny small chance he would do that.
He want to move here, I want to Move there. But he has kid's I wouldn't want him leaving his kids behind just to move here without them. That's a hard thing on any parent no matter how old the kids are. He say's where he goes his kid's go. Smiles I'm not saying Much on this cause I have my opinion's which if it ever get's to that point will be discussed in great detail.
I think I'd better stop here, will write more tomorrow
I've had a multiple experiences since my last blog.
Let's see My mom has decided to get back with her ex or there is a very high possibily he wants her to live with him perminantly and leave us kids here. Mom said no way no how sorry my kids are all I have left. Yes this is very logical reasoning, she has no one up here aside of us kids, one of the few regrets of moving here we lost touch of the few that did talk to us.
My middle brother Graham has started an Electricians course at Colchester Institute, I'm so pleased and proud of him for that. It will be the making of him I think. And I am sure he will love every minute of it. I do not know if I explained just how proud I was I tried to explain it to my Mom, I let Randy know but I never explained my reasoning here. As many know I helped my Mom raise my brothers after my Dad passed away in 2000. I became like a second Mom which some do see to this date. I do not in any shape or form see me as the Mom, but having to help raise two younger brothers gave me the viewpoint of a parents world, yes I may be a sibling and not have children. But having to help raise them teach them right from wrong, discipline them, this is complicated to explain. I feel proudness, sadness and happiness more like I would if they were my kids, yes they are my brothers but in the same breath it felt like they were two kids i'd raised and watched them grow up. I guess my maturnal instincts have shown at times more than I dared realise.
I always said Naaaaaaaa i'm not a motherly type, I don't want kid's or settle down. Being honest I sorta did but didn't in same way. It's showing more now as I'm older, it was that day Graham rang to say he was in College I really realised I couldn't hide the truth in my head anymore. I've had such deep long thought's about why I pretend that i'm not like that. I guess it's all down to the experience of talking to men as friends and online boyfriends over the years. The general gist is that I don't want men to run when they hear baby and marriage talk, I've always tried avoid that talk even with friends when they sit there going oh we gonna get married and have kids in X amount of years. We gonna move in together and settle down. I've even heard both of my brother's talking with their girlfriends in same way with just as much enthusiasm about it all.
Both of the boys are leval headed about it and I was amazed, they both when talked to their girlfriends such profound understanding of the pros cons, the experiences in general, they also compared any friends they had to their relatiosnship saying how much of strain it was and reasons to save up, wait for marriage and stuff. But they are both promised to eachother's girlfriends with a deep leval of connection. Both Gee and Jay are uncanny in following my father's footsteps with their relationships. Gee and Torie are soulmates you can see it but they Love eachother deeply. I think it would tear them apart if they lost eachother. Jay and Loz there is love there, they argue as much as they cuddle up, but I think hey gonna be together for life they been together coming up for two yrs. Gee and Torie it's been almost 6 years I think. Graham was 15 when he met torie and jay was 17 when he met Loz.
My mom explained she was 23 when she met dad, and told me other week at 25 she was two years of having me. To be honest I feel like the black sheep of the family. Mom was saying she would marry John if he asked her again, and adopt his kids. Everyone around me planning the future every day. If anyone say's Just get randy to keep you in the states, I just laugh, and sit going I wish in my head. I'd give everything to be by his side but that's the bad thing about long distance relationships, I've had a few of them. I still avoid planning things because I know my track record isn't great. I am one of those people that is a dreamer (yes I'm a dreamer and I know I am) I cannot change that fact of my nature. In same breath I'm a cold hard realist person. It's a dual side I hate. I can dream and wish but know the reality of what I wish for is very slim in my world. Reality hurt's it always does and always will. My reality is extreamily lonely and not alot of companionship, my family doesn't count they will always be there but it's the dream of wanting friends around me that I can hop in a car and go see. Take off for few days and drive to see people. The reality is I can't do this, I have to fly 8-12 hours depending before I can meet any of my friends. Same with my boyfriend he is over in the states and that hurt's that I cannot hop into a car and drive to see him. If I lived in the state's I'd be driving to see him every few days or something. Yes i have friends who I have known a long time who are always there for me. I'd love to meet them. The dreamer side of me there, I'd love it being able to be around people again who are true friends, not just aquantences met through my brother.
Yeh as I said I joke when people say get Randy to keep you here, I am never banking on it. Not in a million years because the reality of it there is a tiny small chance he would do that.
He want to move here, I want to Move there. But he has kid's I wouldn't want him leaving his kids behind just to move here without them. That's a hard thing on any parent no matter how old the kids are. He say's where he goes his kid's go. Smiles I'm not saying Much on this cause I have my opinion's which if it ever get's to that point will be discussed in great detail.
I think I'd better stop here, will write more tomorrow
Friday 2 May 2008
It's May already eh?
I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said these days. I notice my posts show alot of fustration over my real life and troubles that keep cropping up over and over. Almost like a repetitive cycle of never ending sadness and fustration . I think part of me resents constantly putting my life on hold to deal with problems surrounding moms illness.
I love her but I really want to spread my wings and do my own thing. Not to have to constantly be at the mercy of fate that enjoys watching the good things I achieve crumble through my hands as I fight to help my family get back on a leval field.
People tell me I am young or still young, if only they knew mentally I don't feel young. The events i've been through, the stuff i've done, the things I've seen. It doesn't make me feel young mentally. I feel so much older than I really am. I hide alot of sadness and fustration behind such a Jovial personallity. I joke I laugh I may seem like I don't have a care in the entire world.
But it's not me i'm constantly pondering on what is the next thing I have to face and be strong for, what is the next thing I have to fight against with all my might?
You know what scares me the most and I know it will eventually happen, it's loosing my mom..
She aside of brothers is all I have left in this world, and my gut insinct isnt a good one anymore with what Johns done she fading fast. She looks so ill and theres not much I can do. I had a dream a while back that she would pass away. And i'mm dreading the day it could be years it could be months. But how do I tell her how do I go to myy own Mom Im scared of loosing you, how do I ask her to go for a check up to put my mind at ease, how do you tell your mom who knows you have dreams predicting future on events like that when they always happen.
I'm torn so torn on what to do. What do I do, no use in praying done that so many times and hasn't helped any.
Just want someone to hold me close and let me cry it out. I can't do that I juts keep it inside and fight to fidn the strength to carry on being strong. My mom doesnt need a daughter to suddenly break down crying if I tell her. I need to be strong , be her shoulder., I want someone by my side that can keep me going. Tell me i'm doing the right thing. And face it with me. Sure I have Randy but he isn't hear he a million miles away. And I don't talk about stuff anymore. Whats the use in trying to explain my fears and stupid dreams.
I love her but I really want to spread my wings and do my own thing. Not to have to constantly be at the mercy of fate that enjoys watching the good things I achieve crumble through my hands as I fight to help my family get back on a leval field.
People tell me I am young or still young, if only they knew mentally I don't feel young. The events i've been through, the stuff i've done, the things I've seen. It doesn't make me feel young mentally. I feel so much older than I really am. I hide alot of sadness and fustration behind such a Jovial personallity. I joke I laugh I may seem like I don't have a care in the entire world.
But it's not me i'm constantly pondering on what is the next thing I have to face and be strong for, what is the next thing I have to fight against with all my might?
You know what scares me the most and I know it will eventually happen, it's loosing my mom..
She aside of brothers is all I have left in this world, and my gut insinct isnt a good one anymore with what Johns done she fading fast. She looks so ill and theres not much I can do. I had a dream a while back that she would pass away. And i'mm dreading the day it could be years it could be months. But how do I tell her how do I go to myy own Mom Im scared of loosing you, how do I ask her to go for a check up to put my mind at ease, how do you tell your mom who knows you have dreams predicting future on events like that when they always happen.
I'm torn so torn on what to do. What do I do, no use in praying done that so many times and hasn't helped any.
Just want someone to hold me close and let me cry it out. I can't do that I juts keep it inside and fight to fidn the strength to carry on being strong. My mom doesnt need a daughter to suddenly break down crying if I tell her. I need to be strong , be her shoulder., I want someone by my side that can keep me going. Tell me i'm doing the right thing. And face it with me. Sure I have Randy but he isn't hear he a million miles away. And I don't talk about stuff anymore. Whats the use in trying to explain my fears and stupid dreams.
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Today was my Dads anniversary
It's been 8 long years. And much of today was spent trying to keep Mom's spirits up. I barely had time to think on my Dad. I guess time I am now.
I wanted to talk to him today and ask how he felt about what's happened in the 8 years since he died. Wondered how he would feel about way we've been as a family. Wondered if he Missed us te way we miss him every single day. I know it's 8 years on and most would say you should be over it by now.
I doubt not in this lifetime will I ever get over him dying, or ever stop missing him. He was my Dad and the only one I'll ever have. Yeh he been gone 8 years, and I still to this day no matter where I live. I still expect him to walk in through thr front door in his work suit and have us kids run to greet him in way we did every night). It's stupid I know, but its thing like that
the smell and hugs or lil looksof mischief dad had when he was winding us kids up. It's things like that you miss everyday.
It's harder this month because i get mixed memories some happy but cloeser it gets to his anniversary it gets hard to block the sad memories out. Like tonight while walking I rememberd him ill. I wished I hadnt but it happens, and mom looking so blank tonight it gets to me. I may laugh smile joke about life. But really I can be dwon right sad inside and no one woul d know unless said. Momsblank looks no one there is just shell on autopilot no emotion nothing. Could almost be a ghost.. you talk and there not even flicker of a spark when seh looks at you. And thats my Mom the one i'd move heven n earth for. And that blank haunted look so close to how my dad looked.
She isnt the Mom I remember sure she has Bipolar and it will affect it. But I still want the mom who had spark and zest for life. Now it's gone no one sees it.. It's time like this when facing getting her through a situation I want my Dad there talking her through it and helping us. Maybe thenshe would be mom I remember.
Would i go back and change things change how i've coped with events. I'm not sure part says yes part says no or wouldnt be who I am today if did things differently.
So Heres to you Dad (raises a Cola) Even though not here, Your never forgotten, Love you Dad xxx
Father And Daughter
Father and daughter spend some quiet time together in the living roomShining through the curtain is the sunAnd outside is the glorious afternoonFather reads to his daughter the poetry she lovesFather and daughter enjoy each other's companyFather takes his daughter by the handAs they take a walk outsideFather cares for his daughterAnd always wishes the very best to happen for her
"Justin Gildow "
I wanted to talk to him today and ask how he felt about what's happened in the 8 years since he died. Wondered how he would feel about way we've been as a family. Wondered if he Missed us te way we miss him every single day. I know it's 8 years on and most would say you should be over it by now.
I doubt not in this lifetime will I ever get over him dying, or ever stop missing him. He was my Dad and the only one I'll ever have. Yeh he been gone 8 years, and I still to this day no matter where I live. I still expect him to walk in through thr front door in his work suit and have us kids run to greet him in way we did every night). It's stupid I know, but its thing like that
the smell and hugs or lil looksof mischief dad had when he was winding us kids up. It's things like that you miss everyday.
It's harder this month because i get mixed memories some happy but cloeser it gets to his anniversary it gets hard to block the sad memories out. Like tonight while walking I rememberd him ill. I wished I hadnt but it happens, and mom looking so blank tonight it gets to me. I may laugh smile joke about life. But really I can be dwon right sad inside and no one woul d know unless said. Momsblank looks no one there is just shell on autopilot no emotion nothing. Could almost be a ghost.. you talk and there not even flicker of a spark when seh looks at you. And thats my Mom the one i'd move heven n earth for. And that blank haunted look so close to how my dad looked.
She isnt the Mom I remember sure she has Bipolar and it will affect it. But I still want the mom who had spark and zest for life. Now it's gone no one sees it.. It's time like this when facing getting her through a situation I want my Dad there talking her through it and helping us. Maybe thenshe would be mom I remember.
Would i go back and change things change how i've coped with events. I'm not sure part says yes part says no or wouldnt be who I am today if did things differently.
So Heres to you Dad (raises a Cola) Even though not here, Your never forgotten, Love you Dad xxx
Father And Daughter
Father and daughter spend some quiet time together in the living roomShining through the curtain is the sunAnd outside is the glorious afternoonFather reads to his daughter the poetry she lovesFather and daughter enjoy each other's companyFather takes his daughter by the handAs they take a walk outsideFather cares for his daughterAnd always wishes the very best to happen for her
"Justin Gildow "
Monday 28 April 2008
One more day
One more day till dad anniversary.
I may have had a few stoned moments but that hasn't stopped me thinking about my Dad and the last a years, i'm trying to remain upbeat and jovial which kinda hard to do at moment. I had a cry about him last night which I guess was needed.
John sure picks his timing to hurt my mom again, he has said he isn't coming back to england and wants mom to stop calling him or speaking or texting him. Same old shit different day. I said he needs to grow some bollocks and get on with it not mess you around with changing plans and making promises only to break them.
She has been sulking for days which isn't helped by the fact Dad anniversary is lingering around.
And again i'm, the mom and not the daughter and having to talk her through this as best I can. And also having to keep an eye incase she tries something silly which happens around his anniversary. I tell you it's tiring knowing exactly what will happen and when it's almost like each year is a looping sequence of the same stuff.
So much for remaining jovial lol. I decided to be a stoner for a while to make things pass faster or make me laugh more. Ah the stoners life is a good one. I'm an occassional smoker smoked on average 2 joints a night makes me sleep so much better too. Only downside is im groggy the next morning but the past 2 nights have been the best sleeps i've had in many years. I know i'm dreaming more so they are deep deep sleeps.
Thats it for the night
I may have had a few stoned moments but that hasn't stopped me thinking about my Dad and the last a years, i'm trying to remain upbeat and jovial which kinda hard to do at moment. I had a cry about him last night which I guess was needed.
John sure picks his timing to hurt my mom again, he has said he isn't coming back to england and wants mom to stop calling him or speaking or texting him. Same old shit different day. I said he needs to grow some bollocks and get on with it not mess you around with changing plans and making promises only to break them.
She has been sulking for days which isn't helped by the fact Dad anniversary is lingering around.
And again i'm, the mom and not the daughter and having to talk her through this as best I can. And also having to keep an eye incase she tries something silly which happens around his anniversary. I tell you it's tiring knowing exactly what will happen and when it's almost like each year is a looping sequence of the same stuff.
So much for remaining jovial lol. I decided to be a stoner for a while to make things pass faster or make me laugh more. Ah the stoners life is a good one. I'm an occassional smoker smoked on average 2 joints a night makes me sleep so much better too. Only downside is im groggy the next morning but the past 2 nights have been the best sleeps i've had in many years. I know i'm dreaming more so they are deep deep sleeps.
Thats it for the night
Friday 25 April 2008
I guess i'd better write a blog
Well it's the 26th of april 4 more days till dad anniversary i'm still unsure of what to make of it yet. It's 8 whole years i've been in frame of mind like it isnt happening like its not coming up. Old habit block my feelings off I don't care if it's bad for the soul. I'd rather not let it get to me which it prolly will at somepoint on the day.
What else, it's dead everywhere there only small signs of life it's wierd. If wernt for a few people i'd be thinking am I even alive haha. It's like walking around searching for life. Sucks!!!!!!!
What else I really don't know lord knows. Someone likes fucking with me (points to air leave it out ya bastard). I'm too damn old for drama so gimmi a break.
I really need some kind of road trip or a holiday i have serious itchy feet to travel and its getting worse everyday. I'd love to just pack some chit and see where the road leads even if its to nowhere just to know im on the move and not locally either.
What else, it's dead everywhere there only small signs of life it's wierd. If wernt for a few people i'd be thinking am I even alive haha. It's like walking around searching for life. Sucks!!!!!!!
What else I really don't know lord knows. Someone likes fucking with me (points to air leave it out ya bastard). I'm too damn old for drama so gimmi a break.
I really need some kind of road trip or a holiday i have serious itchy feet to travel and its getting worse everyday. I'd love to just pack some chit and see where the road leads even if its to nowhere just to know im on the move and not locally either.
Sunday 13 April 2008
God I feel like shit
After having a long night I couldnt sleep sat waiting for mom to come down for some company which she never did. She was on phone to John all morning. Eventually crawled into bed at 11am. I know its bad to do that and i'm paying for it.
My mom woke me up around 6pm asking me if a ring was mine. I almost died of shock she found it amongst Laurens bits in the room, I've been looking for it for over 6 months odd. It was one she had brought me in Egypt I don't know what to saay or do. Im gutted as Loz couldve stolen it or Jay couldve given it to her which ment he stole it off me. I want to see what they do and if they start asking about a ring i'm find out one way or another.
I'm feeling down today I think its knowing i'm getting closer to the day Dad died or the fact i'm feelig ill i'm not sure which one. Tired and running a slight temp with a cough and sore throat no big deal I not dying, just run down.
Mom goes away on the 8th of May for about 17 days roughly could be longer. Everyone now has had a holiday aside of me oh wells. I keep hoping by some unknown miricle a ticket will be produced and given to me for my holiday. I can keep dreaming one thing I do have to look forward to in hope well heres hoping.
I don't really know what to say do at moment. I guess might just need to think or something.
My mom woke me up around 6pm asking me if a ring was mine. I almost died of shock she found it amongst Laurens bits in the room, I've been looking for it for over 6 months odd. It was one she had brought me in Egypt I don't know what to saay or do. Im gutted as Loz couldve stolen it or Jay couldve given it to her which ment he stole it off me. I want to see what they do and if they start asking about a ring i'm find out one way or another.
I'm feeling down today I think its knowing i'm getting closer to the day Dad died or the fact i'm feelig ill i'm not sure which one. Tired and running a slight temp with a cough and sore throat no big deal I not dying, just run down.
Mom goes away on the 8th of May for about 17 days roughly could be longer. Everyone now has had a holiday aside of me oh wells. I keep hoping by some unknown miricle a ticket will be produced and given to me for my holiday. I can keep dreaming one thing I do have to look forward to in hope well heres hoping.
I don't really know what to say do at moment. I guess might just need to think or something.
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